Some things I’ve learnt in the last 5 years about being in a long distance relationship. 

After meeting my boyfriend at university, we knew that if we got into a relationship that we would be long distance. He lives in York and I live in Essex which is about a 4-hour drive or a 4-hour journey on the trains from my city to his. So far, we’ve coped pretty well. 

Normally when it comes to seeing each other we take it in turns to visit each other or we alternatively pay if the same one makes the journey twice. I think this is a good way of keeping it fair and its pretty much been this way all of our relationship. 

These 5 years have taught me a lot about coping with being apart and how to handle being apart so after having a talk about what we do to make it easier I thought it might be helpful to put them down somewhere. 

What I’ve learnt: 

• Texting is essential. We text every day and I get that texting isn’t peoples favourite way to communicate or thing to do (Mike isn’t a texter at all) but he does it because he knows it means we can speak whilst we’re at work or busy. I think making an effort to send a text (which takes like 30 seconds max) can mean so much to your other half. Super important too is to make a point of saying good morning or good night. This is something that we do every day and we make sure we don’t go to sleep without saying goodnight. I think it’s just a nice way of showing the other person that you’re thinking about them and missing them. I also think it’s nice to just know what mundane day-to-day jobs you’re up to as it feels like the gap you have physically between you doesn’t seem so bad when you know what sandwich they’ve had for lunch or that they’ve just started their to-do list for the day. 

• When you are long distance, its sometimes easier to fall into an argument but also sometimes harder to talk too. I’m a very stressy person at times so I can get snappy if I’m worked up but Mike is so laid back he’s practically horizontal which I think balances us quite nicely and so for us we never really argue at all. But, on the other hand this means sometimes we don’t talk about what’s upset us because we don’t want to be apart and then also upset with each other. This is something that we’re working on still and something that I think can be so hard to manage successfully in a long distance relationship, or to be fair, any relationship really. Because of this, it’s even more important to make sure you discuss and talk if something is bothering you to stop it from snowballing and blowing up to be a huge argument from a few tiny issues that could have been resolved without upsetting one another. I’ve learnt that if there is an issue I personally tend to avoid bringing it up in person and wait to use text instead because I dislike conflict which is a huge weakness of mine. The issue with waiting to discuss it over text or over the phone is that points can be misunderstood and it is easier to go round in circles or get side-tracked arguing about little things rather than the subject that you wanted to raise. So it really is easier to talk in person. Yes, it can be daunting because you don’t want to ruin the short time you’ve got together but in the long term it will help you talk more freely about concerns and stop bickering when you’re apart. If you speak in person, it might be an upsetting hour or two but it’s better than saying goodbye at the end of your weekend or few days together knowing you avoided the one thing you knew you should raise as it upset you and it’s going to be longer before you can talk it through and move on. 

• Facetime. An actual godsend I swear. Seeing someone’s face on facetime feels so much more personal & intimate than just on the phone. It just gives you a chance to see their expressions and it helps to ease the feeling of being a million miles apart. We facetime when we can and not necessarily for anything in particular. If I’m at home and Mikes not too busy with work, we tend to just have facetime on in the background whilst we do our day to day jobs. It’s so nice to just see the other one’s face and see what they’re getting up to. Texting gives you an insight but the facetime means you’re so much more involved in their day. I get that it is probably not everyone’s cup of tea, but it works for us and it makes long periods of being apart a little bit easier. We do also facetime for actual chatting too of course and this was so helpful when I was travelling. If you’re on the phone it’s easier to carry on doing things whilst you speak but if you’re on facetime, it takes your whole attention and if you’re catching up then you’ve got to dedicate time to actually speaking. Facetime really did make being apart for so long much easier. 

• Following on from dedicating time to speak, I think it is been so important to acknowledge that you have to make time for each other. Life is so busy and if you’re working different schedules or times (or even live in different time zones) scheduling in this specific time makes so much difference. It should feel easy to make the time and not like a chore to speak to each other. If you’re not making time or don’t want to speak to them then I think it’s a big clue that somethings not quite right. Speaking to them doesn’t have to be for hours and hours either. If you’re heading out for a walk on your lunch break see if you can have a quick call to catch up or on your way home/in to work. For example, at the moment I’ve been ringing when I walk to work as it’s about 30 mins so a nice time to chat and otherwise it would be dead time where we can be catching up. Even if it’s not much chatting because he’s working, it’s nice just to hear his voice and be part of his day, because then if we don’t get to speak much for the rest of the day, I’ve heard his voice & he’s heard mine. 

• Talking about dedicating time, it is important to make sure that you see each other regularly. I don’t mean spending all your free time you have seeing each other but making time to each other is a necessity. But with seeing each other means having to say goodbye and this is probably the worst bit for me about being long-distance. About 2 days before we see each other, despite the excitement I feel there’s a little bit of me that’s sad because I know we have to say goodbye in a few days and then it’s going to be a few weeks before we’re together again. I know it seems so silly but I used to ignore this and not acknowledge it and I think it would make me sadder because I would be counting down the minutes and building it up in my head. I think the best way to make it a little bit less sad, is having something else to look forward to. So from this, before we say goodbye we try to arrange (even if it is not set in stone) our next weekend or dates that we’ll see each other which means that even though this particularly visit is over, it’s also only so many days until the next one. That doesn’t mean it isn’t horrible saying goodbye and even despite being apart for 8 months and being pretty used to long distance, every time we do it still feels like I’ve been winded and my mind is thinking every excuse to get off the train or turn the car around and go back. 

• Making the most of the time you have. When we see each other, 50% of me wants to go out and do all the fun things whether it be dinner or drinks or a walk somewhere but the other 50% of me wants to spend the time together at home watching all the episodes we can and just being with each other. I think being long distance means TV show watching is something that other couples get to just do but means so much to us because it’s not a regular thing. I think it’s essential to just do everything you can but not to feel guilty if all you want to do is stay in and chill. We try to do a mix of both things, a day of doing things whether that’s dinner or drinks or even just a dog walk and a day of snacks and TV shows or movies that we’ve been waiting to watch together. 

So really what I’ve learnt is there are most certainly ways that you can make a long-distance relationships work and it just takes a bit of compromise, dedication and effort from each other and reminding yourself that it’s not going to be like this forever. I hope some of these tips help or make you feel a little bit less sad about being away from your other half, especially as it draws closer to Christmas. Sending you lots of love & hugs. 

lots of love, 

Han x